Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna check out The Social Network, except I'm not gonna actually watch the movie. I'm gonna just check out everybody while they are watching the movie.

   I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can't get off the couch or I'll die.

   How are babies not self-consciousness of their thighs?

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   Of all the unsolved mysteries, I wonder why we must stop talking to be able to start peeing.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.

   I recognize three out of the fifty ingredients listed here. This is food, right? I'll eat it, but I'll never understand it.

   The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides!

   "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

   I wonder how long I can keep telling my kids I'm gunna call Santa..

   waiting for the boring weekly "hating mondays" statuses...btw, I'm gathering mondays to throw at you!

   Sign language: it's very handy.

   I have a new lease on life. Month to month. No utilities.

   Creepy drunken compliments are sometimes the price we pay for freedom!

   Whoever invented invisible fences for dogs should be fired.

   According to WebMD my symptoms mean I died 3 years ago.

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   A penny saved is just stupid, honestly what am I gonna get with it. Beside splurging on a tootsie roll.