Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no

   confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!

   Any intelligent man who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.

   Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

   Religion is a bit like porn: You know deep down it's all lies but you still buy it. It's a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich. It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies. AND the scripts it's based on are always sh*t

   internet is the only place where men are men, women are men, and 13 years old girls are FBI agents.

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."