Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   I should run for office I'm tired of peeps getn free rides with 26 inch rims and and dont work

   So I'm listening to Pandora today, and I think I heard the most fitting name for a techno song that was on... called "This Is Acid"

   wondering why the yellow brick road never ended?

   Apparently "get naked" is not the correct response for "anything else I can do for you today?" from the hot male store clerk...Also: I need bail.

   To the guy in the stall next to me who's "attempting" to sit down...what's with all the TP? Are you a germaphobe or are you trying to build a freaking NEST?!

   likes to sit in the waiting area at the pharmacy, on my cell phone, telling my friend about the contagious rash I have that's covering 90% of my body and how the doctor's can't find a medicine that will work!!!

   Where's the dancing Kool-aid Man when you need him????

   Statistics show that 9 out of 10 can' t handle this!

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   HATES IT when he's walking along minding his own business and then trips over his penis

   Why do older people scream into their cell phones?

   Does the Charmin commercials with the dancing cartoon bears freak anyone else out?

   I hate when reality stomps its filthy feet all over my happy place.

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

   ■Twitter makes me like strangers I've never met and Facebook makes me dislike people I know in real life.

   dressing as pac-man and chasing people in burka's.