Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

   "hi, you are through to the incontinence hotline..........can you hold please?"

   Either I am getting huge or Facebook decreased it's font size.

   Mr. President, please remove your hand from my pocket; I can stimulate myself.

   We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy.

   Hmmmm....what to do with this remaining roll of black duct tape I have now that Halloween is over?

   If you can't beat 'em cheat 'em -Harry Ried

   Sarah Palin for President in 2012......The real end of the world.

   I spend so much time on Facebook that I forgot the internet has porn.

   Tea Party = Undercover White Supremacy

   So let me get this right, I cant legally smoke marajuana, yet I can go to my local gun store and buy a Semi Automatic Machine Gun, a couple of grenades and all the ammo I want? Now who's the one that's been smoking something here?

   Stubbing your toe is only a light switch away.

   If you watch Scarface backwards, it's about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

   will most likely go through yet another hump day without doing what the name implies. :-(

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   I woke up this morning and you were gone, then I thought... oh wait, it wasn't you.... never mind.

   all he's done in 2 yrs is take fancy trips and vacations on our dime!!

   Everybody poops, but not everyone washes their hands........ I'm just Saying.

   After the morning news...decided I didnt need to play R.E.M (It's the end of the world, as we know it ) every morning, like I have since November 2008.....Bahahahahaha

   was very excited until my wife informed me that is NOT why they call it Hump Day. Sure, honey. And I suppose that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with mayonnaise?