Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.

   Turns out people can still hear you even if you're wearing sunglasses.

   I'm the architect of my present not an artifact of the lost and forgotten past...

   it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

   thinks that if alcohol isn't the answer, the wrong question was being asked!

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" placards in the hotel bathrooms. Hang up the towel, you save the earth from extinction....leave a towel on the floor....a panda dies !

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom,,,,Hang up your towel, save the earth from extinction.....leave the towel on the floor.....a Panda dies!

   Really hates the "Green Earth" Placards in the hotel bathroom. Hang up your towel, save the planet from extinction.....Leave the Towel on the floor, a Panda dies!

   If I see one of those "Baby on Board" Placards in a parked car on a hot day, Am I morally obligated to break into the car?

   Good girls bend @ the knees.. Bad girls bend @ the waist..

   My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   look all he said was is "im hungry" and generously responded "well, I have something for you to eat".

   I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

   Hey I'm an equal opprotunist. I love blondes, brunettes, redheads, tall ones, short ones, cousins, adopted cousins...

   It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.

   Why is Lou Dobbs hiring illegal aliens when Toni Braxton needs the work?

   The unemployment numbers are twice as bad if you count people who describe themselves as "bloggers."

   After the Vikings dreadful performance and fall to 1-3, the Chilean Miners have decided to stay underground.