Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear 2011 don't believe everything 2010 told you, it was just jealous cause I wasn't very interested in it..

   it's my birthday... I'm going to treat today like a rental car, and drive it like it's stolen!

   I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I'm the only one that matters.

   it makes me really sad that there is a man so old he can hardly move still having to work at the Rochester tolls. which is why I always offer him delicious treats that I keep stored in my car like skittles and chocolate in an attempt to make his day :)

   May peace break into your home and thieves come to steal your debts,May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for 100$$ bills!May love stick to your face like vasilene and may laughter assault your lips!May happyness slap you across your the face and

   just read the list of movies the library of congress deemed worthy to preserve, Breakin' 2 electric boogaloo was robbed again!

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit ;o)

   Just once i'd like to write out a check in crayon..

   wishes I would have got a new cell phone from Santa this year.. This rotary texting is really a drag.

   likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you, Rebecca.

   thinking that now that I have a laptop computer, iPhone, GPS and tablet PC, my ADD is actually a positive thing now.

   The Eagles/Vikings game was postponed to Tuesday because Michael Vick had trouble driving his dog sled through the blizzard.

   heard the bad news that dozens of NYC ambulances are out of service due to snowdrifts piled high in the streets. The good news is there are dozens of lawyers out of service now, too.

   read that there were dozens of accidents in NYC the last few days, and that was just on the set of the new Spiderman play.

   Dear Women, if you have in you're possession sweats with the word 'JUICY' on them, PLEASE for the love of God, do not wear them if, when you do, the "I" is stretched so far that it appears to be a hyphen..Nothin' ( J you )--( C why ) about it...

   I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run?

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   I really do wish there was a pause button in life, like those twix commercials when you "need a moment?" I would smack the shet out of some people and they would have no idea what hit them!

   Ever notice there aren't any Asian Nascar drivers.

   You know you're driving a new car when the items you pull from your nose go out the window and not on the floor mat.