Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Throughout all this freezin weather and snow we have been gettin,all my mrs has done is stare through the window.....i guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in !!!

   It doesn't really matter how high you can jump, or how fast you can go... it's all about how well you can bounce.

   thinks that punctuality is appreciated in all situations except in bed.....apparently women are not for the whole "coming too early" thing!

   at what age do you tell your highway that it's adopted?

   I like it when my wife calls me to check up on me. I feel like one of Charlies Angels.

   ATTENTION BIEBER FANS: All shows have been cancelled until after the holidays. Sorry for the inconvenience, but Santa needs him in the workshop.

   would be a hoarder but I cant find my wallet

   i wonder if they have a pill for premature procrastination

   Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?

   Dear Santa, I thought I'd save you some time. There's no need to check your list. I've been very, very, naughty. I'll try again next year. P.S Why do you have to be so damn judgemental?

   It just dawned on me that Yogi Bear and Boo are just Fred and Barney with fur. (Think about it)

   According to recent posts... Betty Rubble just got a booty call from Optimus Prime. Barney, you stand no chance. Just walk way.

   They say you always want what you can't have. Well I just had another beer and proved that theory to be incorrect.

    is officially proclaiming that the bird is no longer the word. The new word is legs, go spread the word.

   I just got home from the airport where I chose the advanced pat down option and now it really hurts when I pee. I really hope that's just a coincidence

   "Bacon is meat candy."

   woke up this morning with an awful hangover and see that there are a lot of male and female cartoon character complaining of a wild night and drunken blackouts. I predict some pretty goofy lookin' babies in 9 months!

   Just caught my kids arguing over who loved me more...it would've been sweet but they were pushing each other and saying "you love him more"..."uh uh you love him more"...

   willing to go the extra mile... as long as it is not in your shoes!

   While your at camp for deer season, I'm out hunting the beaver you left behind.