Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?

   Yo mamma so fat she use a ipad as iphone

   I've always been suspicious of people who operate their Christmas lights after New Years day.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.

   Dear Drama Queens who cry ab not every status being hillarious.. Isnt that the point? You scroll through all the crappy ones, kill a little time in ur day then BAM got one!!! Sorry we cant just hand you everything in life.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   The numbers game. Posting a cartoon character as your profile pic. Truth is... All so 2010. New start this year, poke all your friends and delete the ones that don't poke back.

   Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the reply-all jackass in every mass email.

   Sometimes I wish the Wizard of Oz was real. I know people that could benefit from a trip to see him. Downside would be flying monkeys flinging poo. I haven't figured out all the Pros v Cons, but I'm leaning towards flying sh!t bombs. I hate stupid people.

   Sometimes on FB, I intentionally post a status that is not freakin hillarious, just so my friends think I'm human

   wondering why most people begin to hide their friends list in facebook!

   2011....Who's ready for another lap around the Sun?

   Dear Hillbilly from AR on the news last night, I am sure that all the dead birds in your town were not from Aliens invading earth, I'm positive that if invaders have the technology to come to Earth and wanted to scare you, throwing birds at you would no

   if carrots are so good for your eyes, then why are there dead rabbits all over the road?

   Somewhere there's an alien cleaning bird poo off his spaceship right now.

   There are only two possibilities why so many birds died all at once. A government conspiracy testing a new weapon, or the birds flew into the side of a UFO as the UFO was watching all the pretty fireworks that supposedly scared the birds to death.....