Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am drawn to people that seek the truth, but avoid those that profess to have found it. Take a hint preachers.

   You know you've been facebooking too much when you're watching TV and you try to unfriend a channel. 

   gonna go to church to confess my sins but I drank so much last night I can't remember them.

   Turning on Parental Control...restricting my wireless network so my mother cannot go on Facebook at certain times.

   I was painting the ceiling when my wife comes in and asks if I'm holding the brush tight, I said yes, why? I was told, "I'm taking the ladder!"

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   if you go from a smarthphone to a regular cell phone, you are automatic taken back to 2003 where we all lived like savages

   thinks any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.

   OK, I just throughly cleaned out my truck from being on the road for 2 months working. What did I learn: 1) I should lay off the dollar menu 2) If TV series Hoarders, did a car edition they would ask me to star and 3) I am now getting 7 mpg more with all

   i went up 2 my smartest friend and asked what does idk, g2g, and ttyl mean? and he said I dont know, got 2 go, and talk to you later. so I said fine! bye!

   It has come to my attention that some of my posts or comments might have offended some of you. If I have offended you, I apologize. If I have NOT offended you, please be patient. I will get around to all my friends in the order received.

   thinks we should go into the dressing room at Wal-mart and say..Ummm excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?

   doesn't use butter , doesn't use cheese, doesn't use jelly or any of these , only uses vaseline......

   once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

   she wishes housework was as easy as cleaning out my fb requests

   thinks the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   ‎79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....

   I'm deleting some friends off my facebook...you may not make the cut. You have been warned. Have a great day. :D

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say “Didn't you read my statuses?”

   If I sleep on my side, do the "ZZZZs" turn into "NNNNs" ?