Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty sure that "Can't we just be friends?" means --> "I just wanna use you, like some kind of emotional tampon 3 to 5 days a month, with no strings attached..."

   Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

   Bad decisions always make for really good stories........and I always seem to have a LOT of really good stories....

   She turned me into a newt! But I got better.

   snowed inn with his family a loaf of bread and 3 fish...uh what was that recipe again Jesus?

   misses the days when someone could watch an actual music video on MTV. I also miss the days when we didn't have to watch a 60 sec ad that loads oh so fast, but what the video we want to watch will take another 3 minutes.

   I'm alone by choice, but your alone by being yourself!

   Relationships are like farts, if you push to hard, things could get messy!

   I'm not saying you're a D!ck but Brett Favre just texted me your picture.

   Has anyone ever realized what a klepto the little mermaid was...? Kids, it's okay to steal things as long as you keep them in your hidden cave, and sing about them.

   just turned water into kool-aid. Your move Jesus

   I'm gonna assume my sisters email got hacked and that she has not really resorted to becoming a penis pump sales person..

   did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite.. all he wanted to do was Eat, Drink and be Mary

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   It's not that I hate you, it's just.. well i'll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I'd drink i

   ♪♫♫♪Accept the Poke. THAT'S IT. Then Poke me back, Game over. Then I can Poke you, then Poke me back. And were done. That's it, That's all I want. Then I'll Poke you again, and you Poke me back. Poke Me Back♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫

   pretty sure I just ate a record setting amount of Rice Krispies!

   My hats off to the Jets. They made Tom Brady look like Greg Brady.

   My other facebook wall has a scenic view.

   just won the Golden Globe for "Best status post, musical or comedy".