Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your eye's sparkle like a bass boat in the sunshine.....

   The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in from the newsdesk.....Most women are comlplicated.

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   mom always said that I could be anything I wanted to be…dad always said mom's a dumbass…should have listened to dad… :/

   Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..

   My niece asked me, who is that ugly girl on American Idol? I said her name is Steven Tyler

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.

   "Hahahahaha, You Failed!" "Yeah, so did your dads condom."

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine or do they pay for it?

   can't afford these gas prices anymore..... I'm charging up Leroy's Buzz Lightyear car and leaving for work 4 hours early tonight.

   I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced….

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close