Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If cars could fly I probably still wouldnt get one. My car breaks down enough on the road

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   says welcome to Facebook... Your mortgage is past due.

   needs a hero! If not then at least a BLT....I'm hungry.

   Everytime I think I'm going to get some pie, the bakery closes early.

   your eye's sparkle like a bass boat in the sunshine.....

   The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in from the newsdesk.....Most women are comlplicated.

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   mom always said that I could be anything I wanted to be…dad always said mom's a dumbass…should have listened to dad… :/

   Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..

   My niece asked me, who is that ugly girl on American Idol? I said her name is Steven Tyler

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.