Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sitting on my couch and updating this status from my cell phone just so my friends think I leave my house occasionally

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   WTF....Its rains cats and dogs and now birds! But not one single cougar or beaver!!!

   Thank You Rich Rod for an Amazing 3 Years, your time has been greatly appreciated! - The Rest of the Big Ten

   in a relationship with the Craigslist Killer and it complicated!

   I don't need to watch "Desperate Housewives". I have Face book !

   With all these birds falling out the sky, I won't be eating Chinese anytime soon....

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?

   Yo mamma so fat she use a ipad as iphone

   I've always been suspicious of people who operate their Christmas lights after New Years day.

   The defendant was acquitted of stealing twenty-three bottles of beer. Prosecutors couldn't make a case of it.

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.

   has 12 episodes of A&E's "Hoarders" recorded on his DVR and he just can't throw any away.  

   I just looked down at my shoes and one of them is not right.

   Dear Drama Queens who cry ab not every status being hillarious.. Isnt that the point? You scroll through all the crappy ones, kill a little time in ur day then BAM got one!!! Sorry we cant just hand you everything in life.

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   The numbers game. Posting a cartoon character as your profile pic. Truth is... All so 2010. New start this year, poke all your friends and delete the ones that don't poke back.

   Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the reply-all jackass in every mass email.

   Sometimes I wish the Wizard of Oz was real. I know people that could benefit from a trip to see him. Downside would be flying monkeys flinging poo. I haven't figured out all the Pros v Cons, but I'm leaning towards flying sh!t bombs. I hate stupid people.