Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oprah's show on Veganism just inspired me to eat a Cheeseburger.

   When people say they have a bad headache, that implies they have had good headaches. In that case, its not an ache at all is it?

   A horse told me not to drive home the other night... I don't think the cop on top of it was amused when I told said "Mind your own business Mr. Ed"....

   Whoever coined the term "Poor little old lady" has obviously never shouted out.... B I N G O!!

   I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!

   could really use a great snowjob right now.

   By forecasting freezing rain, the weatherman told us to have an ice day.

   I drank a spike energy drink, let's just say i'm freaking out now, my palms are sweaty, my d**k shrunk, and my mind is like an interstate

   The ladies call me Mr. Plow and I don't even have a plow.

   I give travel info in the amount of time it takes me to get there, not in miles.

   Just heard a really fat woman say she was starving and she couldn't wait for lunch. Um, no you're not and yes you can.

   thinks snowfall should be measured in school and business cancelations.

   thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?

   Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?

   Posting a pic of how bad the roads are while you're driving sort of makes the situation worse don't ya think?

   getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   wHeN yOu TyPe LiKe ThIs It GiVeS mE a HeAdAcHe AnD iT tAkEs TwIcE aS lOnG tO tYpE AnD I WaNt To ClAmP yOuR fAcE iN a GeOrGe FoReMaN gRiLl ...

   Ah...the old "saran wrap over the groundhog hole" trick. Gets'em every time!

   saw a guy give a homeless man a coffee....Great! Now he is alert and fully aware of his surroundings...the street, the alley, his shopping cart...

   "Like a good neighbor....State Farm is there......with a shovel....getting all this white crap outta my yard"