Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The Sun... Woman dies after having special resin injected into buttocks... Gavin from Autoglass has gone too far this time! 
A midget waddles into the library and asks, "Have you got a book on Irony?" The librarian says, "Yeah, mate, it's on the top shelf."
A late Valentines Day card fell onto my door mat this morning. I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from. It was my postman, I saw him down the driveway, only seconds later.
My wife was in the passenger seat looking at a map before she asked me what was the quickest way to get to the hospital. "Swap seats" I replied.
I asked the lady at the bookstore, "Where is the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose.
The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can
1st Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed in meat, then she went to the Grammy's in an egg! 2 more Red Carpets & she'll be a "Grand Slam" @ Denny's!!!
it just me...or does Muammar Gaddafi looked like Mickey Rourke?
Happy Unimaginative, Consumerist-Oriented, and Entirely Arbitrary, Manipulative and Shallow Interpretation of Romance Day
Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!
you make me feel like I can touch the planets, you want the moon girl, watch me grab it!
$100 - Roses, $50 - Dinner, $75 - Hotel, Knowing I saved that money this year - Priceless
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant
last Valentine's Day I was f**king stupid, but this year she's f**king somebody else!
Watson, the super computer, on Jepordy! What's next, Johhny No. 5 on "The Dating Game"?
if by Jareds you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jareds
If tonight goes just as planned for most people, we should see a lot of new babies in November
Today is a special day in the rite of spring. It speaks of rejuvenated love and a reminder of things that are sweet. Happy Pitchers and Catchers Report day!
For Valentine's day, my husband didn't go to Jared. He went to work. I think that the steady paycheck says "I love you" much better than a shiny rock could.
Today may be Valentines day, but men will get their revenge in exactly one month....March 14th, look it up. 