Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   note to self, next time at the sperm bank.. when offered 'adult materials', don't give a quick wink to the nurse and say "no thanks, I've got a great imagination".

   clothes dont make the man, but he gets no respect without them

   Friend: Who r you going for in the Superbowl? Me: Um, the Superbowl was last weekend. Friend: Ya, but isn't there several? Me: No dude, there's only one.....i think your thinking of baseball...

   BREAKING NEWS: Mubarak to remain in office, "I will step down when the Cleveland Cavaliers win a game." More details coming soon.......

   While I'm Gone....Just smile it's the 2nd Best thing you can do with your Lips....

   We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!

   not pleased with the results of Googling myself.

   I was driving around today and the sun was out and the snow is melting so I think it's time to take your Christmas decorations down now.

   getting a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

   Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.

   I remember when making a mix tape for your girlfriend was the perfect Valentine's gift.

   Do you like apples? You do? Well....shut up.

   been to the same shop every week for the last year just to buy Milk. Now I have 52 copies and I wouldn't even call myself a Sean Penn fan.

   Mubarak to remain in office: " I will step down when the Cleaveland Cavaliers win a game"

   I would love to see everything, anyone has ever written to me, but backspaced before sending.

   Just saw a commercial for a new show called The Unpoppables...one of the guys in the show said: "There is a thin layer of rubber between success and failure." That should be the new slogan for MTV's 16 and Pregnant...

   I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really f-cked up.

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   When it all said and done there will be nothing left to say or do.

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?