Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   Caffeine and nicotine; breakfast of champions!

   Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street is just a place to turn around.

   Time to get out of bed. The world is not going to dominate itself.

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   I feel like a million bucks today! Just wish I had luck finding a bank that will accept self esteem as a form of payment

   Impotence: Natures way of saying "No Hard Feelings!"

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.

   Dear God, If you give us Freddie Mercury back, you can have Justin Beiber

   One of my tattoos stands for "One time I got really sh*tfaced and made a poor decision."

   I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...

   Help Wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.

   Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

   FYI: If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

   Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

   I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   I hope when they write my biography they leave out my being afraid to poop in public places

   The most painful & worst possible types of goodbyes, are the ones that are never said, or never even explained

   I hope $20 is gonna be enough to last me till next payday.