Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just gave a squirrel some of his nuts

   I wish that some people wouldn't talk to me in the morning until I've had my coffee. (I don't drink coffee).

   Please read! URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings>Enable Webcam> Record Movie> Send to me ;) lol

   At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   I wonder if butterflies get humans in their stomach when they're anxious?

   Once you lick frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin

   Kinda feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   There are places in the heart you can only find when the right person comes along.

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   I really want to punch "The Situation" in his vagina

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver running late.

   The part of "no" that I don't understand is the part where I don't get what I want.

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   Remember: warning labels exist because someone failed at using the product correctly. scary when you think about windshield sun covers and the warning "do not drive while intact"

   Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.

   People who pimp out pick up trucks , is like dressing your little boy up in girls clothes.