Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The DOW is up 200 points. NBC is down 2 1/2 men

   I heard that the world is going to end in 2012, because that's only as far as the Mayan calendar goes. But the news gets even worse: I checked MY calendar, and it only goes to the end of this year!"

   it just me, or is each "next big thing" getting less and less big and nexty, and a lot more thingy?

   Pandora tells me what music I like, Netflix tells me what movies I like.. Refrigerator: Why are you such a slacker?!"

   If you dug a hole through the center of the earth and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?"

   Im gonn change my fb name to 'Charlie Sheen dis', that way I can say 'Charlie Sheen dislikes your photo' to everyone

   I found Jesus today , he was between the sofa cushions next to the TV remote.

   A BYU basketball player dismissed for premarital sex. I knew mormons were not supposed to have coffee or tea. I had no idea Tang was off limits

   Life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.

   Forrest Gumps license plate says 1forrest1

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   thought about making a belt out of old watches, but decided it would be a waist of time.

   Can you imagine how terrifying it would be to actually NOT know the difference between your ass from a hole in the ground?

   I'm starting a cult, calling it Sheenism, you pretty much just get drunk and do whatever the hell you want, but you get a free What Would Charlie do Bracelet.

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   I don't ever see the cup half full....and by "cup" I mean jock-strap.

   Got pulled over after making a wrong turn at a donut shop... The cop walked up to the window and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Without hesitation I responded; "(pointing to the box) Cause you can smell it"

   This year's national billiards tournament in Vegas was cancelled. Charlie Sheen bought up all the eight-balls.