Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   prostitutes have the best job! They SELL their body.... and then they get to keep it!

   The oriental man next door is SO nice!! he just came and asked if he could Wok my dog!! I was like "sure, I'll get the leash" Must have went a long ways, he still hasn't brought my dog back and it's been 3 days....

   I propose we walk everywhere for the rest of our lives. That'll show those evil oil companies!!

   And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"

   I hope we have a good weekend before the end of the world !!

   NFL fans are forming their own union and are filing a lawsuit against the NFL. The union will be called the NFL-FU (NFL Fan Union)

   FYI West Coast friends: If your just waking up, you might want to put floaties on. Just saying......

   there's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise!

   I want those of you living on the West Coast to be extra careful today and make sure to put on your arm floaties before leaving the house. You know how I worry.

   Just clubbed a Chik-Fil-A Cow with my Louisville Slugger and is now planning a rip roarin' BBQ this weekend and you're all invited...you're welcome.

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be far more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move B*tch" by Ludacris

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   Takeshi's castle is coming back to your screens live from Japan

   Like if you always wonder why people in cartoons never change their clothes.

   I bet Steve Jobs is glad the iPad2 launch is Japan isn't today. Sales would have been disastrous.

   heading out to track down that homeless guy holding the "End Of Days Is Coming", "Repent Now" sign at the corner....Be right back : )

   Happy Kissing Friday Today..and tomorrow...Happy Coldsore Saturday....:)

   Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. We are but little specks !

   Witnessing such a massive destruction in Japan, and so many lives taken in seconds should make us think about how fragile we are. God have mercy on us.

   Pandas are in danger! we gotta do something!!