Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

   I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

   If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.

   Obama promised change, then he changed the promise..

   They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.

   What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

   What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese

   What does it mean if a man is laying in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? It means you didn't hold the pillow down long enough

   How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy

   I'm loving this season of Dancing with the stars, I'm sure that is the longest Kendra has ever danced without a pole or taking off her clothes

   What is the difference between a virgin and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for months after you put a load in it.

   Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of the dog.

   What is the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to stick it in, and it's a shame to take it out.

   A man tells his wife "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The wife responded "Great!.... I'll miss you."

   I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

   I told my wife that men are like a fine wine...we only get better with age. The next day ,she locked me in the wine cellar.

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

   Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

   Facebook should change ” It's complicated ” to ” It's confusing & stressful. “