Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5118 of 6446

Liars always think that no one is telling the truth.

I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!

If any of you heard a loud, painful scream followed by hysterical weeping, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.
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03-23-2011 16:29
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True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen.
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03-23-2011 15:53 by BEGO
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Obama promised change, then he changed the promise..
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03-23-2011 15:39 by jrbirk
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They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.

What is the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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03-23-2011 14:09
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What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese
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03-23-2011 14:08
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What does it mean if a man is laying in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? It means you didn't hold the pillow down long enough
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03-23-2011 14:07
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How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy
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03-23-2011 14:06
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I'm loving this season of Dancing with the stars, I'm sure that is the longest Kendra has ever danced without a pole or taking off her clothes

What is the difference between a virgin and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you around for months after you put a load in it.
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03-23-2011 13:51
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Why don't blind men go skydiving? Because it scares the crap out of the dog.
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03-23-2011 13:49
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What is the difference between sin and shame? It's a sin to stick it in, and it's a shame to take it out.
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03-23-2011 13:46
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A man tells his wife "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The wife responded "Great!.... I'll miss you."
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03-23-2011 13:44
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I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?
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03-23-2011 13:41
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I told my wife that men are like a fine wine...we only get better with age. The next day ,she locked me in the wine cellar.
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03-23-2011 13:40
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If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
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03-23-2011 12:12 by BEGO
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Facebook should change ” It's complicated ” to ” It's confusing & stressful. “
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03-23-2011 12:10 by BEGO
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