Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only way I would honestly be able to say you are "hot" is if you were set on fire.

   "The biggest mistake you can make is being afraid to make one" (",)

   "You only live once, so don't think twice" (",)

   My mates a transvestite - He likes to eat, drink and be Mary

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   - I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.

   "If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?"

   "I like my popcorn a little burnt". No, you don't. You just suck at making popcorn

   YOU Can't even Understand Normal Thinking

   If Britain didn't colonize America, Americans would be sat in wig-wams speaking Spanish

   What do you call nun in a wheel chair.. Virgin Mobile

   I just gave Gatorade to my neighbor's horse...it's been running in circles for 2 hours

   The person who says he trusts no one should include himself.

   Went to Hulu this morning. Front page: The Royal Wedding brought to you by Fancy Fest. God That's perfect

   I bet she's being a royal pain in the ass right about now.

   I sure hope the royal divorce is as hyped as the royal wedding.

   can make a mean bowl of cereal

   Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to windows 7. He replied "I still love Vista, baby"

   your teeth are like the stars - yellow and far away from eachother

   How do you expect me to respond when you say "oh", "lol" or "ya"?