Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Ugly people should really stop trying to take seductive pictures of themselves, it's camera fudgin suicide.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   This Planking epidemic is getting way out of hand my neighbor the old lady next door been laying outside for 2 days now.

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   I really tend to have less tolerance of ugly people.

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   just wanted to bring this story to your attension meet lawn chair larry who attached baloons to his lawn chair and went up to 16,000 feet with a 6 pack of miller lite a pellet gun and some sandwitches where he flew around on his lawn chair for 14 hours lm

   I love deer season, Especially when I am driving alone in my Blazer , it's amazing how fast I purposely turn into a Comacazi pilot when I see a deer in the middle of the road-

   I'm at the point today that I'm willing to pee my pants if that means I can go home early.

   Excited about the post-Halloween sales on candy and razor blades

   Women that have strong handshakes kind of freak me out

   They should put a busy/engaged signal on the chat thingy so people can know I am already chatting to 10 other people.

   Most Fairy Tales begin with, "Once Upon a Time...” but mine starts with, "You ain't gonna believe this sh!t...”

   wishes that OJ would have caught my ex wife eating Nicoles beaver instead of Ron Goldman

   My girlfriend just told me she was going to break up with me if I didn't quit making Linkin Park references. but in the end it doesn't even matter

   I hate when you friend request a hot chick, then they add you and you're going thru their pics only to find out they look like Rosie O'Donnell at 75 years old coming off a thirty day drinking binge.

   Running around the office naked with the cat