Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear anchormen: We all have the Internet now. Why do you even exist still?

   Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

   being rich doesn't equal happiness but i'd rather cry in a ferrari

   I always hate it when the toilet lid is down in public places because you have to wonder, was it good manners or is there something nasty lurking in there.......

   How long until Justin Bieber releases a cover of Billie Jean? "♫ She's just a girl who says that I am the one... But the kid is not my son! ♫"

   NAMES: I bet you 10 times out of 10, guys with names like Ricky, Vinnie. Tony, Eddie will beat the sh*t out of guys with names like Kyle, Blaine, Brent, Cecil

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show these fu**in pedestrians how its done!!

   not interested in a girl? tell her you're going through a horrific vesectomy process & you're really concentrating on that right now.

   I never considered myself to be a violent person, but every day I kill time.

   People only speak about your life because their own lives are nothing to speak of.

   Dont blame people for disappointing you..blame yourself for letting your guard down too fast and too soon.

   I'm in the " I don't give a sh!t" process mode

   I count breathing as exercise.

   If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.

   One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her

   I copied my Match@com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.

   why am I the only one on chat and everybody posting ever 2 minutes??

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming

   So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!