Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever you are, be a good at it. Even strippers have career goals.

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths.

   If you suddenly find yourself unable to access some parts of my Facebook page, don't panic, it just means I have quarantined and placed your stalkin' a$$ on the RESTRICTED list. Thanks Facebook for this great new tool.

   Now Wit #MW3 bein released 2day.there will B an increase of snack n Drink consumption, Lack of Sleep n Angry Wives/GF's All Around The World

   If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. And if they refuse to be let go, get a restraining order.

   In the timeless words of Devoe and his confidants Bell & Biv. Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is poison.

   Never forget what someone says when they're angry. Apologies are given when people are sorry that others heard their unfiltered opinions.

   Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.

   if she let's you keep your weed in her bra... wife that b!tch

   I dont know who gets around more " The Duggars or Hermain Cain".

   Why does the new FB layout say "12 more recent stories", then when you click it, it takes you way down the page to the old ones??

   Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

   Time heals all wounds but memories reopen them.

   Dracula + Tinkerbell = Edward Cullen. He is not a VAMPIRE. He doesn't feed on PEOPLE, he lives in the forest, and he sparkles. He is CLEARLY a Fairy.

   My level of maturity changes depending on who I'm hanging out with.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   Life could be worse....woman could get away with murdering their baby daughter while a doctor who gives his client illegal drugs and he dies could end up going to jail. Oh wait.....

   "RIP Joe Frazier... I Can't Believe He's Gone...I'm still shaking" -Muhammad Ali-

   This Planking epidemic is getting out of hand. The old lady next door been laying outside for 3 days now.

   Homosexual has the same number of letters as cantaloupe. Coincidence? Yes.