Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't do drugs; they can mess up your finances. You can save some money and get the same effect from just standing up really fast.

   declaring 2012 is the year of the Honey Badger! Google  "Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger"

   Whoever '' Shawty'' is , she apparently has alot of rapper boyfriends.

   There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod

   I have Started a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there

   I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say "Oh you smell good, what is that?" I say "Page 5"

   I don't want a sky full of lighters! I just want the one that fell under my driver's seat!

   experiment...try a no gossip rule...see how long it is before they run out of things to talk about...

   Well I guess all the gyms are heading into their busy season for the next four to five weeks !

   Who needs a Psychic when we have Google. You have your answer before you are done typing the question...

   Mayan Calendar Predicts Doomsday in 2012. Well, at least if the world ends this year, we won't have to hear any more about the Kardashian's

   Apparently punching an alien looking thing in the face and saying "Welcome to Earth" isn't acceptable on a newborn baby

   My stick figure family is just a burrito, a television, and a bottle of whiskey. Do they make those stickers?

   If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys! But then again most of them already do.

   I don't know who makes more idle threats: Iran threatening the U.S. Navy in the Persian Gulf or Rex Ryan of the Jets threatening to win a Superbowl every year?

   Size 12 and Up Skinny Jeans should be made illegal.

   I know the world is NOT going to end in 2012 because Marty McFly traveled to the year 2015.

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   So far, my resolution to teach the dog Tai Chi is much more difficult than you would think.

   All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.