Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Oh, the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' toes. Winter blows, Winter blows, Winter blows.

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   If you touch your phone in the right places a hot pizza will arrive at your door!

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   Any tree can be a Christmas tree if you yell at your family around it.

   If you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   I'll never understand those baby on board signs? Like thanks for letting me know as I was just about to purposely ram my car into yours for absolutely no apparent reason until I saw your sign!

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

   In the future Frosty the puddle, will take the place of Frosty the snowman,

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   In Greek mythology, Athena kept an owl on her blindside so she could always see the whole truth. I knew I was missing something.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   What do people who send out family Christmas cards want from us?

   Don’t tell me I can do anything I set my mind to. You don’t know me.

   My dog just attacked the pizza delivery man. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING????