Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

   hates it when you go down to get a midnight snack and get excited to find some treasure in the fridge, only to have your hopes and dreams dashed by the treasure being so far past it's expiration date that only Ashton Kutcher would be interested...

   "If you're good at something, never do it for free" ~ The Joker (The Dark Knight)

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   entering the doors of a chinease buffet and a little kid said, "daddy, I think I just heard a dog bark."

   added my friend Jamal as a neighbour on Farmville yesterday.I logged on this morning to find that all my chickens had been stolen and he'd opened up a KFC

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

   I think, therefore I am overqualified.

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   is the natural alternative to paracetamol and vodka....yes ladies you heard it here first LOL

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   My Craigslist hooker turned out to be a man. It has been over an hour and he won't take a hint to leave. He can keep my 200 bucks. This was a poor idea.

   facebook – Never letting you forget any of the douchebags you've fuct

   Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

   accidentally turned off his facebook anti crap filter and was scared by the amount of quizzes, farm, fairyland, mafia and virtual f&cking cupcake crap you people post, if it wasn't for facebook purity I would delete alot of you

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your Facebook request I'd have enough to buy a real farm.

   Hard math problem. Studies have shown that the people who solve this usually have an IQ of 120 or more. If 2+3=10, 6+5=66, 7+9=112, 12+8=240 then.. 14+3=?