Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey vegitarians...my food poops on your food!

   Dear politicians: don't kid yourself for a moment that I'll believe a single word you say in the next month. Seriously. Save your breath.

   does find it very funny that on the news they have immigrants who want to vote Tory !! just like turkeys voting for christmas ... they might aswell vote BNP !! buy hey , at least they won`t have to pay a higher tax rate !!

   Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.

   silence is golden but duck tape is silver

   People want a RELATIONSHIP, but always find themselves in a RELATIONSH!T.......Which one are you in?

   Sometimes I pickup laborers from Home Depot, but they always seem to run away when I get to the immigration dept. Go figure.

   I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.

   Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

   You ever hear stories of people you have never seen before and you create an image of what they look like and when you finally see them you kind of get disappointed or weirded out that they don't look like what you imagined?

   How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

   I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!

   Wonders how do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   I don't have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

   There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

   I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad Maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   doesn't have a beer belly. What I have is a fuel tank for a sex machine......

   Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids...