Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pretty proud of being able to give up Lent for Lent. Didn't think I could make it but with perserverence, I overcame the urges.

   You know, there's one good thing about Monday and it's...... hmm.... wait... let me get back to you on that.

   Watched my first Baseball Game of the year and can't understand why they sing, "Take Me Out to the Ballpark"? Duh......aren't you already at the ballpark if you're singing that song???

   I can only listen to you cybergripe about your problems for so long before I expect a pic of your boobs as payment for my services.

   I remember when the phrase "I'm completely bald" only referred to your head.

   It disturbs me that my boss, the guy who controls whether or not I keep my job, has one of those magic 8 balls on his desk.

   When a girl gives me a hug, my hands envy my chest.

   LOVE it when i'm home alone! There is nobody to verify that I have done NOTHING in the last 2 hours.

   I love having the power to make you read my status updates for no reason. Who's my b*tch? That's right you are!

   Unless you're a steaming hot girl, most people don't really care how your day went. If it doesn't relate to them, then they don't wanna read about it. A friendly Facebook reminder of the STFU Association.

   chinese calendar year of the cow . . .we had mad cow disease.Year of the bird . . .we had avian flu.This year its the year of the tiger...and well we have tiger woods' 'am not a prostitute,am just a sex addict' disease.Hope our women understand.

   says according to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid

   said "See You Next Tuesday" isn't an invitation to meet up

   returning Mike Tyson's pet tiger.

   i'd be scared if a 400lb glass of koolaid came bursting into my house......

   Don't you miss the times when your parents were your favorite people in the world? When boys, drama, and nothing else mattered to you except how to avoid naptime? I know I do

   sex can lead to nasty things like herpes, gonorrhea and somethin called relationships....

   I just heard that the Facebook network is currently down, but this does not affect you as nothing would go down on you...

   "mmhmm" is equal to "yea yea I still dnt believe ur ass" .......

   drinking music...most easily available drug...:)