Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but sometimes it's good to see who cares enough to break them down.

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

   watched a documentary about topiary last night. It was real cutting hedge stuff.

   notices we never read any headlines even remotely similar to this: "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the North."

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   Are both your parents retarded? Because you seem very special?

   I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

   WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!

   I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook!

   I would go to Hell but Satan has that restraining order

   ♫ Twatwaffle ♫ is the new ♫ Hot Pocket ♫....sing that next time someone pisses you off and I guarantee you aren't going to be pissed for very long.

   Life is like a baseball game. When you think a fastball is coming, You gotta be ready to hit the curve.

   Just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Think I'll slip into a Snuggie and watch some infomercials.

   feeling like George Washington on a $1 bill... real single.

   wondering if Luke Skywalker ever masturbated using the Force

   Hamsters are really stupid, but, I'm the girl spending money to keep one housed and fed, so, there you go.