Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

   I will not listen to people who burst my bubble because they are always negative. But I will listen to people who I know have my best interests at heart even if they burst my bubble.

   has ordered a home delivery from KFC and Denny's simultaneously, so he can see which comes first, the chicken or the eggs.

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   I feel like the little kid before Christmas... cant wait to get up and see what St. Patty has for me under the keg !

   I thought love was a giveing thing.... The more I gave the less I got

   (fill in the blank)__________ me, I'm Irish.

   so hot that he needs someone to become a fan!!

   On the other hand... You have differnt fingers

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"

   re-invented the term "big baller", running nude in a basketball court

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall ... what the hell happened?

   walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....

   in my lab...playing mad scientist...only 2 ingredients away...from coming up with an antidote to fix stupid...stay tuned

   UPDATE...in the midst of preparing an antidote to fix stupid...a massive explosion accured....needless to say...everyone was right....THERE AIN'T NO FIXIN' STUPID!

   his boss must think he's very motivational as he told me that everyone says they have to work twice as hard whenever I'm around.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!