Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't know the key to success, but definitely knows that the key to failure is to try to please everyone

   Sick of all these crap diets on tv here is the best 1 for ya stop shovelling junk food in ya trap

   It will snow. Fine. This is not a reason to panic. Tesco will not run out of food before you starve so don't go shopping like a twat, if you're unsure whether to drive then just don't ok. Ever. Sell your damn car and get on a bus. And please don't ring th

   wonders if ghost say "I see living people"?!

   just realised dat wen a guy opens the door of his car for his girlfriend one of them is brandnew!!!

   wondering if anybody ever won the lottery playing the lucky numbers in fortune cookies

   if it gets any colder britney spears will have to wear underwear

   Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter".

   Banks are the type of place that will give you money if you can prove you don't need it

   you learn alot about one's Backbone, Mainly when they say one thing to your face and another behind your back.

   you can't control the economy, you can control your health

   Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.

   I am good at posting statuses with percentages that I pulled out my ass. If you are one of these people or know someone who is, please repost this. 97.4% won't copy and paste this. : )

   wondering how exactly do you mark someone's words?

   wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably for the same reason nobody sees UFO's in the city

   iDon't need an APP to make fart noises. There's an a$$ for that.

   life is too short to be spent pondering eternity

   would like to thanks Canada for helping the U.S. with the war in Iraq, by sending BOTH of their airplanes over to help!!

   just heard about the 2 blondes that froze to deat at the drive in...they were watching "CLOSED FOR THE WINTER"!!

   has decided instead of skinny dipping she'll go chunky dunking.