Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone."

   "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

   Verizon called me complaining that my map was in their way.

   People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

   Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.

   hopes that the recent actions of Muhamed-Bob Flare Pants doesn't necessitate Homeland Security from implementing undergarment removal at airport security checkpoints

   those who caught speaking in spanish will be paid in pesos...

   no terrorist, but he has blown up his underwear a time or two.

   Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.

   Remember food does not replace sex!! Unless of course its Ho Ho's and Ding Dongs :)

   I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

   's current releationship status: A single woman in a complicated relationship,with a married man,who is in an open relationship with a widow, who is engaged to my cousin.

   just came back to update the status.. now going back to bed.. bye

   Make sure you wear clean drawls when you go to the airport!

   When the infidels came and put him down, MuhamedBob turned into a clown, now no afterlife virgin will want to dance with the fool who went and, burned his pants

   The National Eczema Association are currently fundraising. They've just launched a scratch card.

   got a head start on Christmas next year, I already have my tree up!

   Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

   Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store

   Seriously, iPhone...Stop correcting all my 'F#CK"s to "DUCK"s. It makes my Strongly-worded texts sound Cute and Adorable...