Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   took my car to the mechanic yesterday to look at my brakes. he said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

   Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? - You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

   Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered

   If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

   Dont sweat the petty things, Pet the sweaty things

   poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

   Just left Walmart, to get out of there, I had to strangle 6 moms, run over 12 kids, and kick 1 grandma in a scooter. There goes my present from Santa.

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   that if you were pots and pans, he'd bang you on New Year's Eve.

   i wonder why, I never wondered why the easiest things are so hard

   To America's welfare recipients..."your welcome for a great year and a free Christmas"...from the rest of us hard working Americans that work for hard your well being every day.  

   I'm gonna give you to the count of 10 to get your get your ugly yellow no good kester off my property, before I pump your gust full of led 1....2.... 10

   wants to remind you that we only have to be good for one more day.

   in 2013 i'm gonna watch 2012 and laugh

   Washington D.C. got a ton of snow last weekend. When it snows hard enough in D.C., the city shuts down and Congress can't get anything done. You know, sort of like when it's not snowing.

   the airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength will begin exactly at 8.00 p.m tommorrow...........dont forget to shine your pole..........

   read a Chinese newspaper at lunch. After I was done, I felt the need to read another newspaper.

   Dear Santa, Define Good. Love X

   doesn't need to go to the gym, he gets enough exercises by pushing his luck, jumping into conclusions and letting his mind run wild!!!

   looking forward to the family tradition of listening to the UK's No 1 after Xmas dinner. Can't wait to see the look on my mum's face!