Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.
←Rate | 03-20-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, hello there Last Straw. I've been expecting you.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly
←Rate | 03-19-2018 15:23 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon {at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 05:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Hillary...We do not want to see your food that you and Bill eat.
←Rate | 03-19-2018 14:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.
←Rate | 03-14-2018 07:30 by MDS Comments (0)  

   messageicon SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 02:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 12:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 05:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”
←Rate | 02-17-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wildlife Fact: In the wild, otters can go for days without checking their phones
←Rate | 03-10-2018 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.
←Rate | 03-13-2018 03:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
←Rate | 11-10-2017 07:38 Comments (4)  

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