Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Planning a trip to Australia..I was asked if I had a criminal record?..I didn't know you still needed one?
←Rate | 06-22-2018 08:35 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.
←Rate | 06-20-2018 23:12 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
←Rate | 06-22-2018 11:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 09:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.
←Rate | 06-21-2018 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 22:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And for my next trick, my brain will chemically balance itself.
←Rate | 06-22-2018 21:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:23 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I'm in a liquor store.
←Rate | 06-23-2018 05:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
←Rate | 05-04-2018 09:01 Comments (1)  

   messageicon How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
←Rate | 05-22-2018 10:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?
←Rate | 05-05-2018 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 07:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
←Rate | 03-23-2018 12:03 Comments (1)  

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