Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump


Search Messages:
Page: 1 of 6082

   messageicon Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 15:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's hard to get out of bed but I just have to remember that the world can't revolve around me unless I'm standing.
←Rate | 11-30-2019 12:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon And suddenly the neighbors who left their Christmas lights up all year seem like geniuses.
←Rate | 12-04-2019 12:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.
←Rate | 12-02-2019 06:36 by Fazzy Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 09:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A Citizen's Arrest for the next person who asks me if I'm ready for Christmas.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 13:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
←Rate | 12-03-2019 15:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If where you live doesn't have numbers on it you really need to address that.
←Rate | 11-29-2019 22:29 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word
←Rate | 12-05-2019 14:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house
←Rate | 12-03-2019 14:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I used to like watching dramas like the Days of Our Lives and As the World Turns, but now I have Facebook.
←Rate | 12-02-2019 12:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What's up with that song "Up on the housetop, reindeer paws"? Somebody wasn't paying attention in biology class...
←Rate | 12-04-2019 09:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Please respect my toddler’s need for comfort during this difficult time. Her bath is too wet.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 07:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your ever wondering if a tree is of the Dogwood variety you could tell by its bark.
←Rate | 11-30-2019 16:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My phone auto-corrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyways...
←Rate | 12-05-2019 08:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do you have tin foil? Then you have everything you need to make tin foil balls. Stay tuned for more last-minute gift ideas.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The holidays are always tough on me.... One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn't up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family. Still haunts me.
←Rate | 12-05-2019 09:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
←Rate | 12-05-2019 13:37 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left