Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm 39 and I still don't know where to look when the dentist is working on my teeth.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified... What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
←Rate | 01-13-2020 06:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday in my nude yoga class I had all my students stand behind me so I could show them the proper technique of the downward dog position, not one student showed up for class this morning.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 06:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Rise and shine! Make the most of your day! And smile your way through your day!.... just reading the back of the Kellogg's Raisin Bran box.
←Rate | 01-20-2020 09:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?” - A Novel About Living with Small Children
←Rate | 01-23-2020 06:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would a mime fart be silent but deadly?
←Rate | 01-23-2020 06:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How cold is it here? It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 13:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 13:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
←Rate | 01-19-2020 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
←Rate | 01-23-2020 12:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 14:36 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon I missed my mammogram appointment yesterday. When I called today they said they could squeeze me in.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 18:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife asked me if I wanted to see Hootie And The Blowfish. I told her I only wanna be with you.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 18:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.
←Rate | 01-23-2020 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does a steelhead trout rust in the water?
←Rate | 01-23-2020 08:27 Comments (0)  




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