Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
←Rate | 07-08-2020 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."
←Rate | 07-12-2020 09:10 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."
←Rate | 07-13-2020 18:58 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
←Rate | 07-14-2020 15:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it* Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again
←Rate | 07-13-2020 10:24 by Rickster Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 19:45 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
←Rate | 07-15-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
←Rate | 07-15-2020 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
←Rate | 07-15-2020 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 09:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
←Rate | 07-15-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

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