Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:37 Comments (1)  


   messageicon It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 07:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 18:04 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I love Halloween, it is the one day of the year people don't question my sanity.
←Rate | 10-11-2019 08:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My safe word is "insufficient funds".
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you're outside and they walk by.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 11:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
←Rate | 10-17-2019 07:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I sometimes have a hard time determining if my weekend is a break from the work week or if the work week is a break from my weekend.
←Rate | 10-11-2019 16:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you're texting while driving.
←Rate | 10-05-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo. -me, reading the Pringles can.
←Rate | 10-17-2019 08:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 11:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you've observed [On a date] Me: You're really good at eating
←Rate | 10-10-2019 06:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”
←Rate | 10-17-2019 05:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.
←Rate | 10-18-2019 09:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I heard on the radio this morning that today is national skeptics day, but seeing as how I have no other source for that claim, I doubt it.
←Rate | 10-16-2019 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:14 Comments (0)  




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