Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You had me at “we have a warrant”
←Rate | 12-22-2018 05:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.
←Rate | 01-13-2019 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.
←Rate | 05-30-2019 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.
←Rate | 06-16-2019 14:29 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 11:09 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?
←Rate | 06-18-2018 11:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
←Rate | 07-16-2018 17:16 by BobbyT Comments (0)  


   messageicon I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
←Rate | 07-29-2018 20:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
←Rate | 08-26-2018 05:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.
←Rate | 08-28-2018 07:11 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.
←Rate | 10-02-2018 16:04 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.
←Rate | 11-01-2018 17:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.
←Rate | 01-16-2018 00:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.
←Rate | 01-25-2018 14:10 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.
←Rate | 02-07-2018 10:28 by MDS Comments (1)  


   messageicon The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
←Rate | 02-08-2018 03:08 Comments (0)  




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