Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed

   If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys

   The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

   I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.

   I thought my wife said she was into butt sex...... Turns out she is into everything BUT sex.

   On February 14, 269 A.D., a Catholic priest in Rome was tortured, beaten with clubs, and finally beheaded. His name was Valentine. Just thought you'd want to know.

   The only way your world is ending on the 21st is if you get married that day.

   Beauty tip: Having a bad hair day? Solution: Wear a low cut blouse.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you apologize when she is the one who is clearly in the wrong.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   If you think my status upd@tes are ridiculous, you should see my life choices.

   Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.

   I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.

   I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!

   Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."

   I'm surprised nobody ever complained that the grape dude in the Fruit of the Loom commercials is black

   There’s this one dumb ass that found me on Facebook and won’t give up. Repeated friend requests, inbox messages.. It’s driving me nuts. I know at some point I’ll have to give in, but just because we’re married it doesn't mean I have to like him,

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.