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Pool party at my house, Bring your own pools. 
This heat makes people do crazy things... Like talk to me.
People don't hate you because you're beautiful. They hate you because being beautiful made you a stuck up b*tch.
If I was The Bachelor we'd all play Mario Kart for 8 weeks, then I'd pick the one with the biggest boobs
Coffee , because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
I wonder if those crazy dancing, sign holding guys you see on the corner are given an itunes and an alcohol allowance?
Airlines have become so cash-strapped, they're also going to charge for emotional baggage.
I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday. Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells F&CK really loud then people scurry like mad.
If you're 40 and still wearing your high school grad ring......um...no.
I'm just a boy. In love with a girl. Standing here quietly. Behind your shower curtain. Watching.
I can't wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.
Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like sumthin Winnie the Pooh would do when he's had too much honey
You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.
I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.
it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.
remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...
thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap. 