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█████ government ███ is ███ your █ friend ████. Trust ██ us ███ to ██████████ know ██ ████ what's ██ best ████ for ██████████ you ██. 
Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
If you don't believe we're degenerating into a world of illiterates, just read a few pages of this board.
Time heals all wounds. Except sucking chest wounds. You should see a doctor about that.
Man, kids really do ask some tough questions. One just came up to me and said “what’s Nicolas Cage’s worst film?” I mean how do you even answer that?
Spider-man has been unmasked in all his last 4 films. If I was him, I wouldn't even bother dressing up.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
eHarmony just matched me with a gloryhole at a truck stop outside of Billings, Montana. I think this may be the one, guys.
"And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check
I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.
or the millionth time, yes Pandora, I'm still listening. What are you my wife?
I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It's never going to make it anywhere near that.
A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??
gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect
10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.
Most of my Facebook friends look better as cartoons
Drunk driving, sniffing cocaine, smoking crack, eating p ussy, drinking on the job, rendezvous with prostitutes...All in a days work for Toronto's mayor!!
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
First rule of Vegan Club... Tell everyone.
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs 