Funny Status Messages

   Every once and a while you come across a person that makes you reevaluate your dating standards, I'm probably that person.

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   twerking just shaking your ass? Why did we need a new word? Ass-shaking has served us well for centuries.

   So I'm reading that "twerking" and "selfie" have been added to the dictionary. "Future" and "optimism" have been removed...

   I couldn't believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

   It takes all of my self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.

   Attention: Person who used this porta potty before me, See your doctor soon.. Real soon.. Yesterday soon.... PLEASE

   My front door mat actually says "Come back with a warrant."

   nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at flooring?

   In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"

   Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away...like choking.

   It just dawned on me that I am STILL not over the fact that Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper didn't end up together on The Wonder Years.

   You know the economy is getting bad when the ice cream truck has a sign on it that says we now accept foodstamps, Visa and Mastercard.

   My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...

   I now feel old, realizing Nirvana's "Smells like teen spirit" was released 19 years ago.

   Liking your own comment is like the facebook version of self-pleasure.

   What pisses you off more? The fact that I don't need you in my life...or that you can't have me in yours??

   Today needs an eject button.