Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics' album at 4am.

   I love how the ninja turtles wear masks. Way to hide your identity, its not like your a giant turtle or anything.

   No matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster.

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time on FB, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never seen a Twilight movie.......

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

   currently amending my "Who gets money" list when I win the lottery......who has something nice to say?

   A beautiful girl without a personality, is like a Lamborghini without an engine.

   Helen Keller once said "Gahhgrrr berkic dahhh errr waa waa!".... It's as true today as it has ever been

   The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it

   Do you know the four signs of growing old? 1. Forgetting names, 2. Forgetting faces, 3. Forgetting to zip up, 4. Forgetting to zip down.

   Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)

   Over Six Billion Dollars were spent on this Election Campaign, so that Americans can be in the exact same place they were in Before it started. Well done, America... Well. Done.

   All these “like if you hate cancer” posts are f ucking ridiculous. Everybody hates cancer but clicking on some damn picture doesn’t do jack s hit!

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   "Domino's Pizza is now made with real cheese"........ WTF were you using before!

   U love someone and you marry someone else. The one you marry becomes ur wife and the one you love becomes the password of your email

   You should be with someone who ,even on your bad day, still thinks the sun shines out of your ass

   Cocaine is never a solution. Unless of course, you dissolve it in water.

   flipping channels and saw a girl I hooked up with about a year ago on the Maury show talking about she had only been with two guys and she was 100% he was the father of her baby. It was hilarious! I stopped laughing when Maury said you are not the father.