Funny Status Messages

   Pay attention to me boy,,,, Now if something looks like crap,, smells like crap,, and tastes like crap,, You should have stopped at just smelling it.

   Not all mushrooms give you an extra life.

   Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I tried to ride a bike when I was stoned I ended up in a hedge.

   Grandma learned that 50 Shades of Grey... was not a book about hair colour!

   I respect how the Hamburglar was like, "Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."

   "Just because you Can't dance, doesn't mean you Shouldn't dance." - Alcohol.

   I've found that the things I'm most interested in aren't really in my best interest.

   I am pretty pissed that the NSA is monitoring 75% of our Internet traffic, and yet still hasnt responded to my invitation to Candy Crush.

   Im the type of person who enjoys making people: cringe, blush, and shake their head when reading my status!

   I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.

   I hate when men stare at me. It's like, can't a girl use the urinal in peace?

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life

   RIP MCA...my generation will be forever in debt for the way you fought for our right to party...

   Why, when our heart is stolen, do we insist on returning to the scene of the crime?

   Watching your ex down grade, Oh what a lovely feeling.

   I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.

   I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow...

   Billion dollar idea: bacon flavored weight loss pills.