Funny Status Messages

   February 15th. The Black Friday for Chocoholics.

   Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of sh!t some people are.

   I really don't want a birthday card. Just give me the $4 you would've spent on it. If it makes you feel better sign your name on each dollar.

   The "thank you wave" you receive after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together

   Me "Hey honey, I got hurt at work, Donna brought me to the hospital and the Doctors are trying to save my leg." Her "Who's Donna??"

   I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...

   Laser tag is for pussies... "Taser tag", now thats a manly kinda sport.

   Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.

   It's amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there's a pill available for it.

   Sometimes I use words I don't understand so I can sound more photosynthesis.

   I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah's Fitness.

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   You may remember me from such events as ruining Christmas dinner.

   PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won't make you carry them.

   If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.

   Well another year has passed, I think I have just about given up on the Mayans...

   It's not all bad for Tom Brady. At least he won't have to listen to Bruno Mars.

   I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...

   Just got three "BREAKING NEWS" notifications on my phone that two celebrities got married. This is why the rest of the world hates America.

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans