Funny Status Messages

   it be cool if that Malaysia plane appeared with Amelia Earhart flying it back

   I missed it. How did Sarah Jessica Parker do in yesterday's Kentucky Derby?

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!

   "Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.