Funny Status Messages

   Writing a poem to my wife. What rhymes with threesome?

   Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

   Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.

   trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   Tip to reduce weight: first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right, repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

   I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.

   How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It's been an hour,,,,

   A thief broke into my house last night searching for 'Money' .... So I woke up and started searching with him

   My doctor said I should drink more wine. Well, he actually said "less beer", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant...

   A Brunette, A Blonde and a Man with Dandruff walk out of an Elevator, The Brunette says to the Blonde "Someone need's to give that guy some Head & Shoulders!" the Blonde asks "How do you give Shoulders?"

   How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine.

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   the Pope is in America with Obama and Hillary Clinton. if they don't walk into a bar, it's all for nothing!

   dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****

   I found out today that Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and is planning to go back to using her real name, "Danny DeVito"

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!