Vito Funny Status Messages

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   I wish the rest of me was as tan as my left arm

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me...It's Sunday.

   For Sale: (year you were born here) (your name here). Has a lot of mileage, but still rides like a dream.

   I keep hitting the "escape" key...but I'm still here

   can single-handedly make all your dreams come true...or I could use two hands.

   Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy

   It takes 2 to Tango, but a whole bunch of people to do the Electric Slide.

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   I get lonely sometimes so I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   This weekends forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out

   I wish I could delete all the cookies I ate last night

   According to my nipples, I'm freezing!

   Heading out to do laundry with a roll of quarters in my pocket. I hope I dont run into anyone I am happy to see.

   Help! My Chia Pet is sick and I'm not sure if I should bring it to the Vet or the Florist?