Funny Status Messages

   People who bite icecream scare the hell out of me

   I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.

   Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.

   I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/

   Well since the government is shutdown that means he shouldn't be taking any taxes out of my next paycheck.

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****

   - Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.

   I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.

   I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

   Unicorns are real, They are just fat and gray and we call them Rinos

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   To those who do not believe that war is the answer... Please enjoy your "Independence Day". Heck enjoy the whole weekend.

   Did you put the "Baby on Board" sign on your minivan to let me know you have precious cargo OR to warn me that your going to drive like an a$$hole and pay attention to everything but the road? just curious....

   The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."

   I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   believes that if politicians don't have to pay their taxes, we shouldn't either