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If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse. 
I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.
Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show
To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.
The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...
Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!
How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?
MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!
The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.
They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.
believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!
It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.
I wish I had more middle fingers.
I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.
just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?
this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!
It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality. 