Funny Status Messages

   I saw some black kids spraypainting their names on a wall and decided to join in. I'd only done the first three letters of my name when they started beating the sh*t out of me. They obviously don't like people called Nigel.

   A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"

   "We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!

   It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.

   Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.