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They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here. 
believes that Facebook is a lot like a refridgerator. when you're bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there's anything good in it!!!!!
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
It's going to be really funny watching 2012 in 2013.
I wish I had more middle fingers.
I wouldn't need Facebook if there was a website that just told me whether or not my exes got fat.
Note to Self: when going on the first date, must make sure that both parties have the same understanding of what "eating out " means.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap
In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.
If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.
I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.
Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show
To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?
this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!
It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.
Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.
Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.
If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!" 