Funny Status Messages

   In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.

   To all the waiters out there: we don't get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.

   Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   I don't argue with people who I can remove from my life by pressing a button.

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   just read that women are smarter than men. Really?! Have you ever met a man that "fell in" the toilet in the middle of the night?

   this morning there was ants all over my counter in the kitchen, I killed them all except one so he could go back tell his friends I'm serious about no ants in my house!

   It's not a mood if your always in it... Then it's just your personality.

   Be tender to the young, compassionate to the aged, tolerant with the weak. For in your life you will be all of these.

   Yes,I talk to myself..Yes, I answer myself and Yes, I argue with myself..and the makeup sex is awesome.

   If ur the type of guy who is embarrassed to pick up tampons for ur girlfriend, well live through just one "I'm late" false alarm buddy & the next time you will be skipping down the grocery aisle waving them over your head and shouting, "I've got tampons!"

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.

   Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once

   Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...