Funny Status Messages

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.

   Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.

   If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working

   If the mini skirt gets any shorter...women will have two more lips to paint, two more cheeks to powder, & a little more hair to comb"

   I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single

   if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.

   I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...

   The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.