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We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!" 
If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.
If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working
I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.
if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?
I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...
Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?
A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"
Facebook account for sale, Friends included
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager
I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.
Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once
Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.
Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says "Haha good one!" and we laugh and laugh and take a nap
In Dec, cops should take off the blue lights and make them green. It's more festive... Like getting pulled over by Santa.
If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse. 