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Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies. 
I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.
Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8
Oh,, and BTW... I would be the worst pharmacist ever. One for you.. One for me... One for you... Two for me... None for you... The rest for me...
(Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot
My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom
[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.
Doctors be like "I know you're depressed so here is some medicine that causes suicidal thoughts."
Grindr had a worldwide outage this weekend, is it too late to stock up on apocalypse survival supplies?
I think the Dowager Countess of Grantham should run for President.
Why is it that when you get a woman pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations" but nobody ever rubs your junk and says "good job"?
If an FB post offends you, maybe check your conscience.
I'm going to deliberately run into a car with a Coexist bumper sticker just to test their tolerance.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**
Netflix and panic attack?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t another worst-case scenario.
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