Funny Status Messages

   Because we're all so offensive and opinionated, anything about politics, religion, race, current events, and alcohol will always get the most votes and comments.

   I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can pluck a fly out of the air with your bare hands. You Sir, are what we called hired!"

   No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.

   Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!

   People You May Know = I know none of these people.

   feels like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance.

   What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.

   The Nigerian goalkeeper is refunding money for anybody that was disappointed with their performance at the World Cup. He said, a representative will contact you via email. Please give them your bank account #s and pin information...

   ...it's not you, it's me. I don't like you

   My grandmother just asked me why I don't have any photos on Facebook. Well, at least I know my privacy settings are working properly.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"

   Whoa there, magazine, I already bought you. No need to pop out a million little post card babies asking me to subscribe.

   My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.

   when light turns green, it means GO not text

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

   According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.