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I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead! 
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.
I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..
I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.
Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van
GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.
WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!
Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the $hit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awsome!!!
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Just saw two people together at a restaurant and neither of them were texting anyone. Weird. 