Funny Status Messages

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Idiot-[id-ee-uht] noun: One who disagrees with me. Synonyms: Fool, Half-wit, Imbecile, Twit, Moron

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   I saw the most intelligent piece of graffiti ever today.I was dropping a batch in a public toilet when I saw something written in very small writing at the bottom of the door. As I leaned over to see it closer it read..."You are now s***ting at a 45°

   How do you know if someone has an iPhone? They tell you.

   If he was stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   Dear Friday, You and your friends Saturday and Sunday need to come around more often. I miss you. Love from your biggest fan, me.

   Good morning Tuesday. Please don't come at me so early next time. And if it isn't too big of a deal, I would really like you to change your name to Saturday.

   The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

   England fans : If it makes you feel any better, the cricket team is doing well against the Aussies...

   Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't..

   Sometimes I'll find out the actual lyrics to a song and then be sad I looked it up because I like my version better.

   GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.

   WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!

   Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the $hit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awsome!!!