Funny Status Messages

   My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."

   I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.

   They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?

   Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.

   When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

   Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

   ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...

   I thought I was feeling a little bloated today, turns out I had my underwear on backwards.

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.

   Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.

   At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?

   If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.