Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329 
Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!
I have a date tonight...with my bed. We're totally gonna sleep together.
Look, grocery store, if you're going to play Asia's "Heat of the Moment," there *will* be spontaneous produce aisle dancing.
I was enjoying a good sleep today when I was rudely woken by a bloody salesman."Sir..." "Look," I said, "I'm not interested, I'm actually trying to sleep." "Sir, are you going to buy the bed or not?"
I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)
I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.
Someone who dines in a diner is a diner........... I N C E P T I O N
When I was a kid, I thought “running for office” meant that you'd have several people lined up for a race and the first one who reached the office won. Might have been better that way, no?
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
Aaron Hernandez will go to prison as tight-end and come out as a wide-receiver.
My therapist says I'm obsessed with vengence.. Oh yeah? we'll just see about that
If stupidity was physically painful, some people would be in the I.C.U. right now.
Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.
I believe in love at first sight because… I’ve loved my mum since I opened my eyes!
Like everbody,, I have an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other... Also, I'm also deaf in one ear... (sigh)
Peter Parker was lucky that radioactive spider bit his hand and not his a$$ or he'd have shot out a web every time he farted.
Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones that tell the truth.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing
If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?" 